This past week has been really hard. God is doing a lot, but it’s in ways that is stretching me out of something that I am very comfortable in. God has been asking me to learn how to be vulnerable with Him and with the people around me. And, honestly, I don’t like it. It hurts, and it scares the crap out of me. I’ve become so comfortable in not being vulnerable that I don’t even know what it looks like to be vulnerable. I know how to be “vulnerable” and open about past experiences and how God has grown me in them, but I don’t like, and don’t really know how to be vulnerable when I’m in the moment of my struggle. For so long I have had the mentality of, if you’re not bleeding then you’re fine. But apparently that isn’t what God wants in me, or for me…. And I’m not really sure what to think of it..
How do I know people won’t turn my struggles back in my face, or tell me to just suck it up? Isn’t better if I just work through things? But I guess, even in my walk with God I have a hard time being vulnerable. I have a hard time coming to Him with my questions and doubts… and when things go wrong I tend to get angry and build up my defenses, instead of coming to Him in my brokenness and with my questions and fears. I don’t know what to do about all of this. I don’t even know how to become vulnerable after so long.
I get the feeling that God is preparing me for something by seeking to change this in me. At the beginning of this trip God made known to me that He is making me His bride, and He wants me to understand what it looks like in my life-Isaiah 54. I was thankful for this, and I guess I still am, but it’s hard knowing I have to learn how to vulnerable in order to be the wife He wants me to be. LI know this shouldn’t make me sad, and honestly, I am thankful that He loves me enough to keep pushing me deeper into His love and plan for my life, but I’m struggling. I’ve been the strong girl for so long, I don’t know how to be vulnerable. I don’t know how to let Him and others in on my weaknesses. It hurts.
Please be praying for me in this? I don’t want to stay where I am, but I also don’t fully desire to be vulnerable. I want to be His wife…and someday someone else’s wife…But I know I need to learn what vulnerability looks like, which is the challenge.
Saturday I had the opportunity to go to an Introduction. Now, you’re probably wondering what an Introduction is, well, it is like an official engagement in the Ugandan culture. It’s a type of ceremony where the to-be groom comes and brings gifts for his to-be fiancés parents. They introduce one another to their parents. Friends and family come to watch. They eat, and dance. And at the end the to-be bride comes out and the to-be groom must choose her out of a group of girls that she walked with. This, I thought was adorable. As you’re sitting watching, you see the to-be groom walk over and pretend like he is picking a different girl, but in the end his eyes are only on one, which is the girl he has chosen to be his wife. And the girls eyes when he finally reaches for her hand and takes it in his.. Priceless. JAll of this to say, that this act reminded me of how God pursues His children and romances them in the way that is perfect for their heart, and life. He chooses us out of a group of people, and hand picks us as His own. But in that, He isn’t willing to leave us as just someone He chose, but He wants to make us His bride, and He is willing to give and do anything for us to be His brides… And our job is to accept.
