I knew I wasn't supposed to stay in Africa. I knew I was supposed to go home. I know I'm called to Nashville, TN right now. So what are these emotions I'm encountering?
I was even told during debrief that I would begin to understand the transformations I've been going through. But the reality of comprehending these changes is, well… weird.
I had fears before entering Africa that I would return to everything changing. My anxieities were calmed by the Lord, yet they became true. Everything is different. But the changes are not with the people and places around me. The changes were in me.
My desires, paradigms, and passions have been transformed. I was ecstatic to go eat at Five Guys, yet as I ate that greasy burger, I realized I didn't really care. I watched the last Harry Potter with my family (I've been a Harry Potter fanatic). I thought it was good, but it wasn't anything special. I didn't care as much.
I came back to my two nieces and nephew at home, so I didn't have much alone time. But the few moments I got away to be with my Abba, I felt alive again. It was all I cared about.
So whenever I've been asked how I feel now, all I can respond with is: wierd.
I feel more whole and fulfilled than I ever have. I have a burden and a passion for the Lord's Kingdom. I am transformed (I don't feel that is arrogant or conceited at all because there is absolutely no way I could have changed myself. It was Jesus.).
Maybe these emotions are my craving to explain what happened in Africa and what is happening all over this world. The Lord is bringing his Kingdom down. He is calling his children. He is transforming the church. None of it is through coercion; it is through Love. Supernatural Love. Divine Love. Holy Love. Agape.
I will not suppress these emotions. I will not neglect them. I am asking my Daddy to let them grow. Let the burdens come. In the midst of those burdens, transformation will happen. Love will happen. Even though I may be broken, I welcome these transformations. I welcome these burdens. I welcome the Lord. I welcome Jesus. I welcome the Holy Spirit. Let me look foolish. I don't care. I want freedom and transformation to come.
This is my post-African life. And I love it.
